Life unfolding

Ten things I love about Diabetes

2012-03-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Today I wanted to come home and write about ten things I love about Diabetes.

Seriously. Ten things. I LOVE about it.

Mikayla has been under the weather. Results? Diabetes has been kicking our ass. She's not absorbing carbohydrates. This means some very loooow blood sugars. No bike riding. No snowboarding. Lots of slumping on the floor and lots of anxious moments for Mom.

And then suddenly she is absorbing carbohydrates and thanks to our attempts to keep her from having a seizure or dying she now has really, really high blood sugars. Cue the headache, and foul mood and sick stomach.

Ping pong. Ping pong. Back and forth we have been going for the last five days. High. Low. Absorbing. Not absorbing. Who the bleep knows. ( Insert the real word here. Thats the one I like to use)

Tonight I resolved to go run it out, punch it out, cry it out on the drive there, at boot camp. I was going to physically exorcise the angry, exhausted feelings and throw up my hands, be bleeping grateful and write about ten things.

So as I ran I thought about the things I love about Diabetes. Sometimes they are hard to remember but I know there are ten things.

This is the part where I am supposed to make my list. And I will. First, though, I have to plead with all of you.

Some friends came on Sunday night to stay. They love us. We love them. They are family. If they read this, I want them to know, they couldn't have known. I never told them. I should have told them when they arrived. Ivan could have caught it somewhere else.

I am telling them now. And all of you. On my behalf and on behalf of all of the parents who have kids like mine. If you are sick - don't come here.

I mean it. Don't come. Even if you are half way down the Coquihalla.

I arrived home with my head of full of ten things to find my husband hurling his guts. He is SICK, SICK, SICK. My kids were happily running around and all I could think and may have started yelling was "Stop! Freeze! Don't touch ANYTHING, the couch, the floors, the walls, ANYTHING! Wash your hands! Go to your designated safe corners!"

The bleach came out.

The thing people don't get about Type 1 Diabetes, is that having the stomach flue isn't the same for Mikayla as it is for so many other kids. It sucks for everyone when your kids get sick. Add an almost guaranteed trip to the emergency room, IV's, ketoacidosis, plummeting blood sugars and you have a really dangerous situation.

I wish I was making this up. But just last year I stood up on the stage at our Walk to Cure and read a dedication for a young Kamloops man who died from exactly this. Expecting me to reasonable isn't fair. If it was your kid, who pleads with you to save her, not let them put in IV's and begs to go home, you wouldn't be either.

So stay away. Please don't come here when you are sick.

Through the intense stress I am feeling right now, just at the idea of Mikayla catching this bug, I still have ten things. Ten pretty awesome things!

So here they are; ten things I love about Diabetes!

1. Next week Mikayla is going boarding with Olympic snowboarder Sean Busby. Hello! How many kids get to do that!

2. She is tough as nails, beat them up and spit them out kind of tough, in every aspect of her life, I am pretty sure we have Diabetes to thank for that.

3. I am a bigger, tougher, more powerful woman as a result of this journey.

4. My daughters will be too.

5. My kids understand more about how food works in their body than most grown-ups. I know this will set them up for healthy bodies and minds that will take them as far as they want to go in life. Imagine the changes we could make if every kid was given that knowledge!

6. She has two boys in her class who choose white milk instead of chocolate specifically so that she won't be alone. They are eight years old. Wild and shoot 'em up kind of boys. I think thats love right there.

7. Bev Sherwood and Mari Stone. These two ladies are Mikayla's support workers. She loves them so much she cries on the last day of school at the thought that she won't see them for eight weeks. No kid can ever have enough people to love and be loved by.

8. Brides Gone Wild. I don't even know where to begin with this one. You can't possibly say fun enough times to cover it. Or support. Or community. Or love.

9. The power of speech. I was always inspired by people who led with their voice and their actions and their thoughts. People who spoke and lived that out loud, on stage, moving a crowd to action. Guess what? It turns out I am one of those people.

10. Mikayla herself. This disease is part of her. It's in her genetic make-up. It has played part in forming who she is and she is awesome. Truly awesome and empathetic, and strong, and willful, and smart, really, really smart and so athletic, I sometimes wonder how she is mine.

Sitting here I think I could go on with the list. We will handle the next few days as they come and hope for the best and know that whatever happens, if she gets sick, or she doesn't, we will all power through and keep in mind how much incredible good comes with this disease.

Anita's son

2012-03-06T12:24:00.002-08:00

Remember this beautiful belly?

Meet Matthew and Anita's beautiful son

A Mom With a Camera and a Small Boy with Type 1

2012-02-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

I recently ran a contest for a free spot in my camera class. The submissions were plentiful and I loved every one of them. It inspired me to see how many Moms are out there shooting their hearts out with passion for their subjects.

I knew before I started that it couldn't just be a popularity contest. A test of who had the most friends on Facebook or who would do whatever it took to get votes. That wasn't what it was about. So I let the Facebook world whittle it down to the top five. Then I asked two of my favourite and most trusted non-facebooking people make the final choice. They chose a beautiful image of a little girl having a little girl moment unaware of the camera as she drew on the sidewalk with her chalk, too big for her pudgy hand, her feet enclosed in a pair of rubber boots, the tops of which were hidden by her dress as she bent over at the waist intent on her art. Her pouty baby lips perfectly silhouetted in the image.

I knew I couldn't be part of the choosing because I knew my choice before the voting on-line ever started. It was the picture posted above. Beautiful in its own right but, truthfully, my heart was drawn to the image because my heart is hurting for the Mom who took it.

Victoria's two year old Son, Jack, was recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

I found Victoria when she posted on-line looking for help. My inbox was flooded with messages from people who had seen it.

I was stuck not knowing what to say. Diagnosis, for my family, was an extremely tragic and frightening experience. Our child nearly didn't survive. We were told to hold her and say our good byes. But when your child is diagnosed earlier in the decline you are saved from the rawness of that experience and I must approach Victoria where she is rather than where I was at Mikayla's diagnosis.

I don't think the fear is less. How can it be when you are handed your child and a bag of syringes and told do it or your child will die. But I also know that the reality of this will flow from surreal to in your face and back again over the next year as it sets in and implants itself firmly in Victoria's family.

I remember feeling almost removed, some days, from the tasks of Mikayla's care only to have it come slamming down like a hundred pound weight, suffocating my chest, with the unfairness of it all, in the middle of the night.

I remember feeling like this was going to be okay. This wasn't so hard only the very next hour to have Mikayla pass out in the middle of the grocery store and wanting to scream that I give up. Why my child? Why not me?

But then she would be running around with diapers hanging off her behind in the sprinkler in the garden and I would forget, for a moment, that she had the disease at all.

Its a roller coaster, those first few years, that will touch the entire family including that beautiful small face in the image above.

But I can promise this. Victoria will grow into the fiercest of Moms. She will have the opportunity to discover things about herself she never would have otherwise. I don't believe that line about life never giving you more than you can handle. I believe that when we are handed things bigger than we could have imagined we are also given the chance to be more than we could ever have imagined. And that is an amazing thing. For the entire family. For the amazing woman that will be shaped out of the little girl above in part because she will become tougher and more empathetic as a result of her little brothers disease.

I can't fix this thing that is Diabetes. But I can support those around me. I can make the journey less lonely. I can infuse it with laughter, and comfort and friendship. I am a firm believer that support isn't about commiserating in sadness. Its about being in the space of someone who gets it. Someone who reached the side of acceptance and can help you get there in your own time and on your own terms.

I can be both the receiver of a tear filled phone call, who recognizes the dead weight in the middle of the chest and the person who laughs when told about the five hundred absurd suggestions well intentioned people will offer as a cure. I can be a bridge to other amazing Moms in our community resiliently parenting under extraordinary experiences.

In this case I can also be the person who helps someone pursue their passion in the midst of managing the grief that eventually come with this diagnosis.

So I am happy to say that Victoria's image also wins this contest.

I don't think there is Mom with a Camera out there who will hold that against me.

Beautiful

2012-02-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

I first met Linsee when I photographed the birth of her daughter Celeste. She came to the studio yesterday wanting some photos taken for her anniversary. I love them. Boudoir doesn't have to be gritty or full of lingerie. These are clean and sweet like Linsee herself. They are just very real images of a woman comfortable in her own skin. The images of Linsee and Celeste together are the best baby images I have taken.

She knows how to pose it!

2012-01-31T21:35:00.000-08:00

My first Valentines Day shoot this morning was a breeze thanks to this well practiced little model. A hand on her hip here and tilt of her head there. She even had a napping pose!

Ella's Valentines Day 4 - part 3 -

2012-01-30T20:29:00.001-08:00

Sweet sisters!

Ella's Valentines Day 4

2012-01-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

This is part 2 of part 3 of day 4 - but they were all so sweet I am giving them all their own spot. And because I'm the boss I get to do that kind of thing.

Ella's Valentines

2012-01-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

The images themselves speak for this family.

Safe travels home my friends.

Doe Eyes

2012-01-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

I had Erica and her little family plus one come to visit on Saturday. They came for Erica's belly. However, they brought the sweetest doe eyed baby boy with them. Corbin was so irresistible in his Carhartt overalls and John Deere boots that I kept forgetting why they were here!

His Mom is not only beautiful but a good sport who not only laid down in snow for me but she managed to keep laughing while she was doing it. I will have lots of opportunity to spend time with Erica's newest doe eyed baby because Erica is one of my new Mom's with Camera students!

Ella's Valentines Day 4

2012-01-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

Eva

Olivia and Emma

Ella's Valentines Day 3

2012-01-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

We had a sweet return visitor from last year. Wow has she grown!

And then we had this brother and his sisters. How much fun could I had had with these three with a little more time!

Dear Nikki

2012-01-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Nikki,

Yesterday my husband and I were sitting in the living room both absorbed in our own computer screens. I looked up and glanced over at Ivan.

He was crying. Tears running down his face and off his chin.

In 15 years together I have never seen him cry. Very much an old school guy, he is always stoically quiet about things in life that are hard.

He caught me watching and started to laugh, "Have you read this? This isn't even my own kid and she made me cry"

Your honesty is inspiring. Your heart is huge. Our community and our family and our daughter are so lucky to have you.

I can only hope that someday Mikayla will inspire another little girl the way you inspire her. The way you inspire me.

Much gratitude and friendship,

Sara

Inspiration found Nikki Fredrikson

in a precious child Jan 19^th/2012

Blk D

Her name is Mikayla. She battles a disease every single moment of her life. Every day is a struggle to find happiness and hope to continue on. Every day she pricks her fingers, takes injections and prepares for the worst to happen. Mikayla and myself share the same disease; we both eat, sleep, and breathe type one diabetes. It’s within this tiny child that I have found my inspiration.

Mikayla is eight years old-- the exact age I was when I was diagnosed with diabetes. She struggles to feel normal, to feel accepted, and to feel like she fits in with her peers. But more importantly, she struggles to feel like she fits in her family. Mikayla is experiencing anger and pain, but even more heartbreaking—she is experiencing depression. As she struggles I feel a pang of pain in my heart for her because I know this pain, and I fight this battle with her. I’ve had my own battle with these feelings. For me it went as far as me isolating myself from my family by moving into the attic. Diabetes makes you aware that you’re not “normal”-- that you will never be the same as your sister, brother, or parents and it’s the hardest thing a child can deal with.

I have had the chance to become a role model and a positive example for Mikayla. Every day I read a blog her mum writes about the daily battles she and Mikayla are experiencing.

It is my hope to be a positive role model in Mikayla’s life and to be able to relate to her and hopefully brighten her life when I can. The role of being her mentor has started to help me to straighten out my life and to better manage this illness myself. It has helped me a lot when I go through spells of anger, pain, and resentment towards this disease and even depression. I just think that if I can come out of this, so can she. If I can show her you can be happy, healthy, and most importantly, “normal”, then maybe something will change for her. The goal of being a mentor for her is to be a person that she knows who has gone through it all—someone who is the same as she is, so she and her family knows that Mikayla is not alone in her battle.

My inspiration comes from a little girl who has experienced more pain than anyone can imagine. Inspiration can come from anywhere. A song, a photo, a place or a person as mine does. Mikayla is continuing to push through this to become happy again. It takes time, but with the love and support she has, I’m sure she will. My only hope is that one day I can inspire her as much as she inspires me. I hope that she will one day be a role model for another little girl battling this war of diabetes. as I said she is a fighter. It’s that fire that I think will make her able to help more people just as I hope to help her.

Ella's Valentines Day Two

2012-01-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

We lost three kids to the stomach bug today BUT these two sweethearts more than made up for it!

We hope you are feeling better soon Masse girls!

Ella's Valentines Day One

2012-01-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

Our first day of Valentines was a double booking: a group of cousins!

The Mom's got in on the action because these images are about love after all.

The family really wanted a shot of all four kids for Grandma.

However someone only wanted her photos taken in one spot.

Like every toddler who has their mind made up there was no budging.

This image sums the chaos of two babies, one toddler and a teenage boy perfectly.

I know its not what they had in mind but I love it.

It makes me smile.

New Afton

2012-01-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a little bit excited.

I have this amazing aspect of my job that I rarely get to share with anyone. Its the best part of my business. A part I never dreamed of when I started Life Unfolding.

If someone had predicted, three years ago, that I would become a mining photographer and that I would love it I would have denied the possibility, mostly, because I am extremely claustrophobic and partly because I don't know anything about mining!

Three years later, and one great friend who took a chance on me, I have discovered not only does the underground not make me claustraphobic but its peaceful. I love being underground. Its so dark you can't see the enclosed space around you. It feels infinite. And even though equipment and men are working everywhere the noise takes on a different vibration. The air is different and my heart beat changes when I go underground. Even in knee high muck I am steadier. The underground has its own sense of time and I like the way it feels when I am in that otherworldly space.

I love that the miners I work with are eager to answer my questions. What's that? What does it do? How does it do it? Why are you doing it? What happens to it after this? My knowledge is still extremely limited but I pay close attention and I am fascinated. I listen to everything even if I don't understand it. The pieces come together a little easier every time. I know what the machines I photograph do. What part they play in the grander scheme of the mine. I love that I can explain to my husband how a giant machine can drill such precise holes through a cavern ceiling.

I take time when I am at the mine to know something about the men and women who work there. I am interested in them and while I sit in the cabs of trucks or machines they tell me their stories. We have nowhere to go and I am a good listener behind the lens of my camera. I love people and the people who work at New Afton have a camaraderie I have rarely seen anywhere else. Perhaps it is because they work in such confined areas, or because they are so aware of their responsibility for one anothers safety, or because they have such an active HR department, but the people are a huge a part of why I love being called to the mine. They know me by name, they always smile when they see me, and never fail to make me, an outside contractor, feel like I am part of their New Afton team. A part I take seriously.

Not only had I never had mining experience when I went to the mine the first time but I had no experience with industrial photography at all. I had no preconception of what the images were meant to look like. I only knew that whatever equipment I took underground I needed to be fully responsible for being able to carry it around myself .... while wearing unfamiliar, full, miners gear. So, other than a studio light when I was hired for head shots (Oh how I wish I could share those!) I brought nothing but my tri-pod and my experience with birth photography. What do birthing and mining have in common?! The dark and the need to adapt to unexpected change.

As a result the images look how it feels to be there. And their uniqueness has been given great feedback.

I rarely get to share these images. I sell the image copyright directly to New Gold and, therefore, while they are my work, they are not my images to publish.

This month New Afton was featured in the Canadian Mining Journal and there is my work. On the cover and inside three pages.

Here is a little bit of my favourite place:

Wild Thing

2012-01-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

I had a beautiful baby girl come for photos today.

So sweet. So quiet. So chubby and perfect.

She brought her brother along. A little bit of a wild thing. He was climbing on my back while I shot his sister. Using me for a foot stool and a chair when I got down low to the ground. He was...my perfect subject. Seriously. I love babies but goofy little kids make me grin from ear to ear.

When they get down on the ground with me and sit on my back or jump around and laugh and fly like superman I know I am doing my job. Photography is about more than just the images.

Thanks for coming Levi. You made my day!

Riding on Insulin

2012-01-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

This is a hard post.

I have hesitated to share this part of Mikayla's journey. My kid is so awesome. Wild and loveable and loving. I hate to tell the sad part for fear you will confuse her disease with who she is. However, I trust you more than that. And for the one other Mother out there who will read this and see her own child in it...who will feel just a little less lonely and little bit more understood I am putting it down. And for myself because in sharing I also feel a little less alone and maybe both Mikayla and I are a little bit more understood.

I want to stay positive. Share the good that comes from having disease in our house. The learning. The hard but inspiring moments.

But lately my poor girl hasn't been having a lot of those.

Mikayla started to change about a year ago. Her temper got quicker. She got sadder. She started to unravel at the most unexpected moments.

She began to lash out. With words that cut. I hate you. I don't belong here. I am not part of this family. You don't understand. You don't understand. You don't understand.

And the worst. You don't love me.

She is still smart, happy, kind and fun at school and with her friends.

But she rages at home where she feels safest and with those she trusts most. And she is confused because the people she loves and depends on are those who have injected and poked and pinned her down. The people she loves most are those at the very centre of her disease.

She is only eight years old.

When we went to BC Childrens hospital last month I was both relieved and devastated by what I was told.

Its normal. Its grief.

Mikayla has never known a life before Diabetes. I thought, in my naivety, that this would protect her. But at eight years old she is suddenly cognitively aware of her disease and its implications. She suddenly knows the difference between her life and everybody else's. She suddenly understands the forever of it. The never endingness of needles and pokes and low blood sugars and HI ones. She suddenly understands what death means.

She is tired. And she is pissed. She's railing against the unfairness of it.

And that is as confusing as hell.

I was relieved to know what it was, that it was normal, that it is expected of kids who are diagnosed as babies. I was devastated because I lived through the grieving process when she was diagnosed. It was long and awful. It made me want to tear at my chest and weep it out but no matter how long or how hard I wept it would never come out. It was always stuck there in the middle of me filling me with anger that seeped into everything.

It took time. And lots of it. It took learning and gratitude and acceptance to overcome the grief.

I was a grown woman. And she is just a little girl.

We will to do whatever it takes to support Mikayla through this. Let her know its okay to be angry but that she can't get stuck there. She's better than the disease and so much more powerful. She can have her moments and hours of hating us as much as she wants but we'll just love her even more. We can only hope she will feel it as we struggle under the weight of her anger. Holding the weight of your child's anger is a parenting skill we are learning right along with Mikayla as she tries to learn to reign it in.

She is very right about many things. Especially about this: we don't understand. We can never understand because the disease is inside her body. Not ours. Hers. And we can never understand that. We can never understand her confusion or her pain or her exhaustion. Because when she goes to school I get a few hours off. She takes the disease with her. She takes it to bed. She takes it everywhere. We can only witness it, she has to feel it.

So we are taking our little snow boarding girl on an adventure in March. To a place where people do understand. Because the disease lives inside of them to. And even greater than Diabetes camp these kids and adults share another love. Sport and white snow and boarding.

Healing I hope. A start. Some Understanding at Riding on Insulin .

Tiffany

2012-01-14T18:43:00.000-08:00

Another photographer friend, Robyn Sheils, recently wrote a blog post about her resolution to be in more photos with her kids.

We are all so hard on ourselves. Waiting to lose pounds, find time or a special enough occasion. We scrutinize images of ourselves and hate them. We duck when a camera is pointed or glue ourselves behind the camera rather than in front.

Twenty years from now our kids won't look at those pictures and think we are too fat or our hair is too frizzy or laugh at our mom jeans. Okay maybe they will laugh at our mom jeans but what they will think most is how much they loved us. They will wonder about and marvel at who that young Mother is.

I always stop and stare when I come across a picture of my own Mom. The images tell a story of her as a women who was once a young Mother herself navigating her way through all her different roles. As I age and reach milestones in my own life those images of my Mother become more important to me. My memory of my Mom as a young woman is distorted by my own childish memories. Looking back at her face, as it was familiar to my eight year old self, as an adult, changes my perspective. I want to reach through time and give that woman a quick squeeze of thanks from my more aware and understanding adult self.

Tiffany is the Mom of three kids. I have photographed Tiffany's kids at different times throughout the last year but aside from photographing her son's birth I have never photographed Tiffany herself.

This wasn't a family shoot. We'll work up to that when time permits. This was just for Tiffany. She was inspired by Robyn's post. A short, quick mini session but none the less a record of Tiffany. Thanks for being brave enough to let yourself be photographed.

Hogmanay

2012-01-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

While many of you were out celebrating the traditional New Years eve my family was invited to share a more ancient holiday, Hogmanay, the Scottish New Year, with some of our oldest and best friends.

The old ashes were cleaned from the fireplace and the house was purified with the burning of Juniper. We brought the Scottish New Year in with bagpipes, a traditional torchlit procession, dancing and scotch of course! Together we sang Auld Lang Syne - it was unexpectedly powerful to be in a room full of people singing the words to a song that is so often only heard behind the roars and screams of "Happy New Year".

For good luck a tall, dark, handsome man was the firs,t in the new year, to enter the house, carrying a lump of coal and shortbread. The night was complete with a performance of Robby Burns' Address to a Haggis - which we then ate with great enthusiasm! Or I did at least - I have a strange love for haggis.

Our host and hostess were gracious and generous - a truly beautiful family.

For this New Year I have no resolutions. 2011 was such a good year for this family. It wasn't because of resolutions it was simply what we chose when every new day arrived. And every new day in 2012 will be another opportunity for growth and change and kindness in whatever capacity we chose to make it.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and auld lang syne For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, We'll take a cup o kindness yet, for auld lang syne."

There's a Monster at the end of this book!

2012-01-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

Jack Came tumbling out of his room this morning

"Look out everybody! There's a monster at the end of this book!"

Anita's belly

2012-01-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

I met Anita and Matthew for the first time today.

Such a beautiful woman and such a beautiful belly.

I love this job more every day.

SMASH!

2012-01-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

I had the most ridiculously cute baby in the studio today.

Happy First Birthday Sareena!

Emily

2012-01-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

I had beautiful, 7 day old, Emily in the studio today.

Later in the day, because she doesn't live far, I went to her house to include Emily's brothers in some images with their new sister. Emily is beautiful and smelled so baby sweet good. Her brothers were loud and...well..little boys...which are my favourite subjects!

Loved them!

Welcome to the world little Emily.

2012-01-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

Moms with Camera's

A new Mom fading out of her old role and into her new one.

The image was created by Reagan, a Moms with Camera's student.

Moms with Camera's is a 12 month course, that meets twice a month, designed to teach two aspects of photography.

The technical.

What's an F stop? What is Aperture? Why do they matter ? How do they work together? ISO? How high should I shoot? Why are there black lines across my image? Why are my images orange? And some times....how do I turn this thing on?!

And how did Reagan create that image?

Moms with Camera's teaches the technical aspects of photography, once a month, through the hands on experience of taking images. Every month we meet in the field to create images together. And not just random images. We will re-create work by Van Gogh. We will learn how to use studio lights. What angle to shoot our kids from. Photograph a stunning night time view. Try our hand at boudoir and learn how to work with models.

The art of photography.

You can, if you are a read and learn type of person, just pick up your manual and sort through all of the technical mumbo jumbo. But learning the technical aspects isn't enough to turn your images into art. Moms with Camera' s monthly assignments are designed to take you on an emotional journey that will teach you how to tell a story in a single image. Images like Reagan's that cause the viewer to stop and consider what is being said. Images that capture who your children are. How your family laughs. How you have changed.

Every month you will receive an assignment such as Magic, Who am I, Super-hero, and Courage. We then meet for coffee and assignment sharing. We talk about how we took the images, what our intentions were behind the photograph, and let our audience, the other Moms, critique and respond to our work. And because my perspective is not the only one you can learn from we will include guest photographers who will come and sit in on some of our classes offering their perspectives on your work and opening themselves to your questions.

Every second month we will choose an image to be published in Kamloops Momma Magazine and the chosen photographer will help me write an article based on the assigned theme.

No moms class is complete without some 'break from the kids time'. Included in the class is an overnight photographers retreat where we will take everything we have learned and spend the time creating images, having loads of fun, and learning about editing.

The class is $600.00 for the year. This includes accommodation for the retreat and the space in Kamloops Momma Magazine.

To register please e-mail photographer@lifeunfolding.ca.

I hope you will join us for an incredibly rewarding and fun year!

Better than Okay

2011-12-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a huge list of things to do.

Drive over to the north shore, pick up food from Tiffany's, then deliver the van LOAD full to Lisa. Some great things happened that allowed us to purchase over $300.00 worth of food for the food bank. And thanks to my sweet friend Jodi the purchasing of the almost two cart loads of yellow went off with barely any whining from the five kids we had with us.

Then I needed to take my kids to my girlfriends house and get myself to New Afton to photograph some magical gold coming up from the underground. Because I am so often more of a guy than a girl I also still needed to get myself somewhere I could buy my husband a Christmas gift. Or at the very least something to put in his stocking.

Of course things didn't work out quite that way.

Mikayla has this heart wrenching new habit of keeping it to herself when her Diabetes is making her sick. We often don't know anything has gone wrong until she is already sick, sick, sick. So instead of gleefully delivering a horde of food with my kids I spent my morning alternating between holding her hair back and fighting with her to let me give her insulin. When her blood sugars sky rocket from a lack of insulin she hurts everywhere. Her head pounds and she throws up. She becomes incredible desperate and unreasonable making helping her an enormous struggle.

Imagine a child screaming and flailing and kicking while you try to reason and threaten and finally in desperation pin her down. I am holding a needle in one hand and desperately trying to hold her with the other. Every swipe of her flailing hand is in a attempt to knock the needle away which means with every swipe she is coming closer to gouging herself or me gouging myself with a needle full of insulin.

Four other wide blue eyes are watching all of this from the doorway.

Finally dosed, bathed clean of the vomit and settled into bed when I ask her how she feels now she says 'I think I'm going to throw up again but after that I'de like to go tobogganing.'

Seriously. I am exhausted. Done for the day. And she wants to go tobogganing. This kid kills me.

Instead of tobogganing I have to make the hard choice of going to work or staying home with my sick kid where up until now I have always believed was where I belonged. My work for New Afton is what separates me from the little guys in this over saturated business. I can't let them down. I don't WANT to let them down. I love working for them and because I am a one man show I can't call an employee to take my spot.

Insert my husband's incredible employer, Peterbilt Pacific, here. Ivan barely hesitates to come home and cover for me because when things go wrong we can't, like a normal family, call a friend. We are now balancing what has turned into two full time jobs with a child who still needs full time management.

I end up leaving for work, glued to my phone, knowing that my daughter is still at serious risk for a trip to the ER.

I am exhausted driving to the mine but I also think how incredibly lucky I am. My husband supports my business without any hesitation. His employer supports our family without question. My clients are allowing my family to prosper and pay that forward to our community. I have the opportunity to work with an amazing group of people in an environment so few ever get to experience.

As we started to drive underground this afternoon I felt completely at peace. I knew Ivan could manage whatever resulted from this mornings still unresolved crisis. If I came up from underground to a child in hospital it would be okay. It would break my heart, but, she would be okay. And so would I.

I didn't know that before I began to carve out a life for myself. I thought I had to do it all alone. I thought I had to be everything and and be everything perfectly. Twenty kids for playdates and pasta rolled from scratch. Grow my own produce and mop my floors every night before bed.

Now Ivan picks dinner up from Costco most nights and the laundry has to be washed three times because it never gets moved to the dryer. Sometimes I won't be there for Mikayla when things go wrong. But when I'm not, Ivan will. And that's okay. Things are better than okay.

I came home to kids racing cars on the living room floor. Ivan went back to work where he will now stay for most of the night to make up for the time missed. I am going to take my kids out to eat and deliver some food to people who are not nearly so blessed as we are.

An interview with Jack

2011-12-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

Mom: Jack do you know what tomorrow is?

Jack: MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm FIVE!!!

Mom: Yup. Do you know what we are going to do tomorrow?

Jack: Have a party and open presents!!!!

Mom: Nope.

Jack: (Makes old man furrowed brow) Then what?

Mom: I thought we could go grocery shopping.

Jack: (Makes even deeper old man furrowed brow face)

Mom: Do you know why I want to go grocery shopping?

Jack: Because you forgot to make lunch?

Mom: (Blushing slightly because until that point I HAD forgotten to to make lunch) No. Did you know that there are kids in Kamloops, just like you, who didn't have lunch today because they don't have enough food?

Jack: Don't they have cereal?

Mom: Nope. Not even cereal.

Jack: Then what did they eat for breakfast?

Mom: Some of them didn't eat breakfast either.

Jack: They must be REALLY hungry. They should go to school and eat from their lunchbox!

Mom: Nope. Sometimes they don't have food in their lunch box either. It's hard to learn if you don't have food in your lunchbox.

Jack: (Nods with a slightly shocked face at the possibility of an empty lunchbox)

Mom: I was hoping that you would take me grocery shopping for your birthday and we could buy some food to give to the kids?

Jack: YEAH! And cereal!

Mom: Yup. Cereal. You bet!

Jack: Can I wear my birthday hat?

Mom: Of course!

Jack: And can I have cake?

Mom: Yup.

Jack: Good. Are we going grocery shopping in one sleep? BECAUSE ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN ONE SLEEP!

Mom: One sleep Jack.

Jack: (Slipping off my lap and beelining it for the stairs) Teeeelllly, Keeellaa...we get to go the grocery store in one slee-eeep because its my biiirthdaaaay!!

This Christmas don't forget the giving...

2011-12-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

If you have followed my work, visited my website or know me in person you will know that Charity is a pivotal part of both my personal and business life.

That statement sounds self serving - because it is.

Doing Charity is what fills my sense of empowerment. My life is not not normal. I am powerless over the greatest force in my life. I am completely powerless to change my child's difficult life path.

I can, however, find power in other places. I can create more good than the disease can create bad. I can teach my child to find power. She too can fill herself with positive energy that helps balance the emotional pain of disease.

Last month my tiny boned, pixie-like daughter stood alone on a stage in a single spot light. Before her two hundred men and women in gowns and tuxes stood on their feet in a standing ovation. That evening her words were a small part in inspiring almost $100,000 dollars of giving.

Last fall my beautiful friend left her kids and travelled with her husband to Mexico where he underwent treatment for MS. Being a part of getting him there? So very full of everything good.

This last Spring that same beautiful friend donned an atrocious Boe and Hope style wedding dress and took to the streets with 17 other women, and two incredible photographers, Lisa Beaton and Kathryn Leary. With the incredible generosity of the Beauty Code Boutique, Hot House Bistro, the Commodore Night club and Kamloops Dodge Chrysler we we raised $18,000 dollars.

In the effort to join other Mom's parenting in powerless circumstances Shannon Gillis and I hosted "Trash the Dress" and raised $1200.00 for the Kamloops Autism Program and the JDRF.

Nat Ansfield and I hosted a year long group of photography moms and attempted to lead them on an empowering journey. Some of these students reached out and helped us, through the Walk in Your Shoes program, give thanks to a young woman who gives so much to her community.

Your beautiful children helped remember baby Ella and last Valentines Day we raised $600.00 for the Heart and Stroke foundation.

I found incredible peace in photographing women in the birthing process. To give them back images that captured their strength reminded me of my own. And now we can pay that even further forward through the sale of 'Beauty in Birth' calendars to benefit the Elizabeth Fry Society.

The giving isn't about the dollar amounts. I list them because they are the proof of just how many people reached out to give. The mass amount of people who gave to reach such incredible numbers. In just 13 months time we were a direct part of inspiring over $130,000.00 of giving. Giving isn't about having lots of money yourself to give. Its about inspiring others to pitch in and give what they can and those people reaching out even further and inspiring others. That is empowering. So much more emotionally powerful than the disease that attempts to leave this family powerless.

Giving to your community inspires good will. It FEELS GOOD... and that good trickles down into every aspect of your life. It isn't, as so many people assume, about the person you are giving to. Its about how it makes the giver feel. And the feeling from the giving can't be bought or wrapped up under any tree. Its as much a win for the giver as it is for the receiver.

The beautiful and joyful Lisa Beaton of Milk and Honey Photography is giving to the Food Bank this year. One can for every new fan...she's pretty popular so that could add up pretty fast.

A generous woman has bought a session for a family who is losing a father. It is her gift to her friend.

My gift to her is, with that money, to purchase 381 non-perishable food items from every one of my fans for Lisa's food drive.

Don't forget to fill your heart this year as well as your stockings.

Walk in My Shoes

Beauty in Birth

Trash the Dress

Ella's Valentines

Mikayla's Hope

Trade Show Charity Project

Brides Gone wild

Meet the Prociuk's

2011-11-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to get to meet up with some good friends yesterday. It was a bit sad to realize that life has been so busy we had to book me to work to actually see each other! Jack and the girls were pretty excited to see their friends even if it was only on my computer screen....

Dads eating Candy

2011-11-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween.

I have clear memories of being bundled against the cold as my brother and I went house to house in our Glenrosa neighbourhood. My brother and I grew up surrounded by an extended network of friends that we loved as family. We did everything together including trick or treating as a large mass of kids. I both dreaded and couldn't wait to get to the house where someone would jump out of the dark and cause us to go screaming back to our Dads waiting at the end of the driveway. It was the same house every year but it never failed to catch me by surprise. Every year the Dads would check the candy for poison which really meant that they ate what seemed like half of everything we brought home. We would pretend to cry with dismay...loving the attention.

We have been blessed to have friends that create that same extended family for our kids. It might be why Halloween has become my favourite holiday. (As in spending more time getting ready for Halloween than I do for Christmas) Halloween is the one that is most nostalgia filled for a time when Marlise and Mikey Leguilloux's Dad eating my candy was the worst thing that would happen. I find comfort in the crew of slightly rowdy parents herding our kids along from house to house. It feels like some things haven't changed....cold, chaos, masses of kids, candy and family friends are still the same. I love and miss those families from 30 years ago and I'm grateful that 30 years from now my own kids will also have families to love and miss.

Thank-you Brandt family and the rest of our much loved posse for another great Halloween.

If you saw her today...

2011-10-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

If you saw her today, watched her run and play with the contagious enthusiasm that is such a defining part of who she is, you would never know.

You would never know that last night her insulin site went bad. It kinked or started to be come infected or did some other wrong thing that I can't put my finger on. It doesn't matter. It went bad and she stopped getting insulin.

Her grin this morning hides the fact that we washed vomit from her hair before she could go to school.

The way she hung upside down laughing in the cold sun hides the pain that filled her body causing her to moan and cry out over and over last night.

The way she spins as she runs across the field hides the pounding that filled her head all night....it belies the reality that only a few hours before she didn't want to turn her head from side to side on the pillow.

Her loud eager play is in direct contrast to the way she spent the first few hours last night sneaking into the bathroom to pee and swallowing her bile because she was desperate to stay home. The hours before she couldn't hide how sick she was.

Her fear of the hospital ER is almost greater than her desire for comfort and help.

On nights like these I thank God, or whoever is listening, that she is here. Grateful that I can rub her back and hold her hair. Grateful that her voice is there beside me on the floor moaning and keeping me awake. Grateful that in her pain, sick filled state she doesn't, for once, fight the insulin site change. Grateful that she understands enough to know that this is her life. Or her death.

I stayed at school today and marvelled at the resilience of her. Running and playing and laughing as if she had just had a full night of peaceful sleep. Prepared to let the night go and move on until the next time.

I sat in a stupor today exhausted and stressed and wishing for a place to have a good cry, but watching her I knew I had life's greatest eight year old teacher leading by example.

So here we go. Leaving it behind until next time.

Photographer or Digital Editor?

2011-10-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

I recently posted some HDR images on my facebook page. The images were from a wedding I photographed for the beautiful Tara Easton and her husband Michael.

Boy did I get some criticism for my choice to use editing software in such an obvious way! You might wonder why...but I assure you it was well deserved. I don't, and never have, spent hours editing images. Its part of the reason why I don't charge high prices. I'm not charging for hours spent in my office sitting in front of my computer.

I started my love of photography with film. There was no editing software. You either took the image right or you were out of luck. I have clear memories of the whir of film rewinding in the middle of a wedding ceremony and madly scrambling to get a new roll of film out of the bag, filled with rolls of film in various ISO speeds, and trying to get reloaded before the first kiss.

It was an entirely different world of photography. It took guts. There was no checking to make sure you got it right. There was no saving your disaster in photoshop.

When I bought my first digital DSLR I realized right away that digital photography was an entirely different world. I could cheat if I wanted to. I didn't have be any good behind the camera if I didn't want to be. I could just be good in front of my computer. Unfortunately I hate being stuck in front of my computer. It isn't that I don't believe that editing doesn't have a place in photography. I am grateful that I can go in and clean up a bad complexion and add some light to a three old's brilliant big eyes.

But I don't own photoshop. I refuse to spend hours creating an image on my computer because I failed to create it properly in the first place.

I miss film photography because I miss just being behind my lens.

I teach a camera class. I have tried to convince my students not to edit their work. The point of the class is to teach the ladies to be PHOTOGRAPHERS instead of EDITORS. Editing software gets in the way of the learning process. Its like a cheat and it makes me crazy.

It was one of my students that expressed surprise and disappointment in the obviously altered image I posted yesterday.

But here's the catch. I hope all of my students read this. The images I posted were taken outside well past dark. By the time the ceremony started it was already dark outside. There was no exterior light coming into the church that was lit with soft ceiling lights and candles. By the time the ceremony was completed the caterer had arrived. The room was already set with tables and filled with people. There was no space to shoot inside where I could have used the ceiling to bounce the light from my flash.

I had twenty minutes to create something. The worst thing a photographer can do to a bride is panic. So instead I thought about what I knew. I knew I could never properly expose all the elements of the image in one shot. But I also knew I could expose them all separately so I chose to bracket my images and layer them later. And that took guts because, truthfully, I have never done an HDR image before so I was working on theory.

The goal for the students who have been working with Moms with camera's this past year is that they will eventually be able to put all the pieces they have learned about exposure together to come up with a solution in any lighting situation.

What I love about the criticism I received this morning is that I realized someone had noticed and appreciated that my images aren't a result of hours of editing. But it also forced me to recognize the place that editing has in the process when the photographer is using it as a secondary tool.

Does that mean that next years students will be encouraged to use editing? No way! In fact Nat and I have agreed no edited assignments are allowed to be handed in next year until we have decided the students have nailed all aspects of exposure.

Photographers first. Digital editors second.

In the meantime here are some images from the weekends wedding. I hope you like them Tara....the HDR images and the regular ones.

Thanks

2011-10-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

I had an inspiring Thanksgiving weekend. I had two family shoots this weekend, but, unlike my usual job of photographing families with young kids, I was hired to photograph families who kids weren't kids anymore.

It was inspiring watching them tease and truly enjoy each others company, The love and pride these Moms had for their grown kids was clear. The 'kids', all at different stages of their adult lives, hadn't outgrown the comfort of the relationship with their parents. The relationships had certainly changed, taking on different kinds of respect and responsibility towards each other, but these two families were proof that those of us who are lucky can always go home again.

I leave you with images of my own family gone home to my own Mom and Dad. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for my parents who built our family on a strong foundation that my brother and I continue to build on.

Look my brother and I have the same giant forehead...only mine has hair!

Terrible, no good, very bad day...saved by cake

2011-09-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a terrible, no good, very bad day.

Or at least it started out that way.

I have had the flue for five days.

My camera's autofocus is broken. I need to send it away to be fixed. I have six shoots this coming weekend.

I lost my van keys yesterday and still have not found them. I need to drop the camera off. We have no food. I am supposed to be dog sitting but I can't get to the house because I have no keys. I am sure that by now the dogs have crapped all over my girlfriends house.

My daughter has a friend over for lunch. Did I mention we have no food?

My sons bedroom floor is covered in renovation muck. My new vacuum is still in its box. The box is in the van. The van is locked. I have no keys.

I recently read a blog post that has my head all knotted up. My head is suggesting maybe its okay to let things be while my heart is still raring to "fix it, fix it".

I am supposed to hand in a homework assignment for boot camp. An assignment about goal setting. It's making me nuts. I don't think my goals are really what Sabrina had in mind.

My goal: let it go

'It' being control. We are supposed to come with three goals but this one is so huge for me that I think I will need to break it down into defined parts. My daughters disease has forced me into a micro management role that feels impossible to break. We have been using these elastic cords in class and it is very similar to what this feels like. Control is on one end and I am trying to break free on the other. That tight elastic is the fear that keeps pulling me back. Before before you accuse me of being melodramatic keep in mind that the control is a very vital part of keeping kids like mine alive. But as Mikayla is growing I know that it's essential that I let some control go so she can take some for herself. This is HER disease after all.

Back to the keyless van and no food.

Food is a major issue in our house. I am like a prison guard over the pantry. Sugar is only allowed on someone's birthday. On Halloween my kids pick five treats from their loot bag and the rest goes in the garbage. Whole grains, grapeseed oil, eggplant and the glycemic index are our closest friends. Fast food is a rare visitor and sugar has been banned.

My littlest kids are afraid when loving friends try to sneak them some sugar. Jack once saw a kid eating cotton candy and whispered to me very sadly that that poor boy was going to die.

So I know I am a bit over the top. Maybe way over the top. I never meant for it to get this way but Mikayla has never been one of those kids who could eat what she wanted, inject some insulin and carry on. She's impossible to manage. And when I can't manage her blood sugar I feel I am failing her. And because I feel like I failed her from the outset by not using super human hero strength to stop her from getting the disease in the first place I have some pretty intense control issues around the things I *imagine I can control.

My thoughts about all of this come to surface as I stand in front of the empty pantry trying to decide what in the world I am going to feed these four kids who have declared themselves to be starving.

I have nothing. NOTHING. Not even crackers. I could go outside and dig up some beets but I don't think that is going to go over well with our little guest, Indigo.

I consider my desire to 'let it go' and my eyes come to rest on an expired box of dry lemon pie filling. I can't even imagine how or when that came to be there. Beside it is a box of cake mix I use for smash sessions and beside that a box of dream whip.

Indigo is grinning up at me. She knows what I am thinking.

We had lemon pie filling, cake and Dream Whip for lunch.

My daughters licked their very first egg beater. Nobody died from the expired box. My kids thought cake for lunch was the BEST THING EVER and I felt like a really good Mom. Because it was such a rare moment, my kids will always remember how much fun it was.

I don't plan on letting them have cake for lunch again. But I do plan on letting the control go every once in a while. Teaching Mikayla that its okay to claim some 'normal' for herself might be as important as teaching her strict control over her disease. After all those brief moments are the only vacation she'll ever get from this. Just like it did later this afternoon, sweeping in with repeated lows, Diabetes will remind her soon enough that its boss.

After we ate the cake? I found my keys. The dogs didn't poop all over the house. My camera is covered by warranty. Indigo's Mom, the beautiful Kathryn Leary of Owen Imaging leant me a spare camera and I went grocery shopping in the produce aisle while my kids buzzed around on a sugar high.

It wasn't such a terrible, no good, really awful day after all. In fact it was pretty great.

* Even with strict food management 'control' is often not possible. There are over 100 things that effect blood sugar and food is just one of them

Pushing limits

2011-09-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a post on Facebook by Sabrina Sinclair of Fit by Design. It read "Tell me why you deserve a free boot camp session and be entered to win a draw"

So without much thought, I have never won a draw in my life, I entered. I wrote "After six years of managing my daughters chronic disease I have reached not only a place of acceptance but also gratitude for parts of it. Now it is time for my physical health to match my mental health. I want Mikayla to know she can do anything by living it myself"

Click and enter.

Last night I received a message from Sabrina. She's not entering me in the draw.

She's just giving it to me.

Envision complete and immediate stillness coming over a chattering music pumping dancing in my seat at my computer self. Not "Wow! Fantastic", which I'm pretty sure is something like what I first wrote back. But "No!"a very clear and precise survival driven "No!"

I have a shoot at six on the Thursday and I still haven't bothered to go get my ankle checked after three months of pain. Ivan doesn't even get home until five-thirty. I don't even own real running shoes.

I started to draft a private message of thanks and I'm grateful but I'm not available. But then I thought about the sincerity and generosity of Sabrina's offer. And about Mikayla crying her way through that site change two weeks ago and every one she has done since and asked myself what I was so afraid of.

I'm not fit. I'm skinny but I'm sure Sabrina would be the first to point out that its not the same as being healthy or fit. I work hard, know my way around power tools. Can cut a metal leg off a bed and wield a mean nail gun on the roof of my house. But I sit down every five minutes. I can't keep up a running pace for more than thirty seconds. I need two extra strength Advil after a photo shoot. I organize the craziest neighbourhood games of paint war and bouncing brides but can't fully participate in them.

The moment I feel my physical limit I shut down. Its not a fear of pain.

I wrote about the Big Ugly Cry a few months ago. I'm not a cryer. I feel intense pain for the Mother of missing three old Keinan but I can't cry for her. I couldn't cry with Mikayla two weeks ago either.

My mental ducks are all in order. Strict order. I have sorted and placed all the muck that has muddled around in there for the last six years. I accept that I will always have grief, fear and some anger. But in accepting them I have given them a place on the shelf and learned to use the energy they create to my advantage.

It's all very methodical and organized. I realize most people don't organize their emotions. Or store them on a mental shelf for that matter, but, I do think that people who live through trauma eventually learn to do exactly that. Or I'm crazy. Either way it works for me.

It works for me as long as I keep myself in careful control.

I'm pretty sure that pushing through those physical limits is going to require some letting go of control. And I'm terrified that there might be tears on the other side of that physical barrier. My rational self is very aware that this isn't something to be afraid of. So my face might get wet and salty. Oh No! Run for the hills crazy lady!

It would be embarrassing for sure...but I've never really been overly concerned about other peoples perceptions of me. I've seen other Moms cry and not judged them for it...the only one I ever judge is myself. And not very fairly either.

However the horrible stillness that came over me last night and the intense thudding of my heart as I write this is very real even if its not rational. I have no idea what is on the other side of that. I do know that my attempt to face it when I went to Toronto resulted in nothing more than too much room service and bad pay per view.

I imagine what it would be like to push through. To truly move forward. Physically. To potentially leave the weekly migraines, bleeding stress filled intestines and vomiting behind. Gross? Yup. Welcome to the life of mothering chronically sick kids - it almost always equal chronically sick Mothers.

I imagine it will feel like freedom. For me and my family. My family. My daughters. How do I want them to face the hard things in life? Head on. Thats how.

So my Barnhartvale friends - I need sitters from 4:30 to 5:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next five weeks. I will shoot my Thursday session sweaty and stinky. I am going to the Doctor on Monday and buying some new shoes this afternoon.

To the ladies in the evening boot camp class - push me hard but please be kind. I am putting myself all out there in my attempt to live what I wish for my daughters and I think we all know, as women and mothers, it takes guts. And don't worry I'm not melodramatic and nuts. You probably won't even know which running shoed woman I am.

To Sabrina - you have no idea the gift of opportunity you've given me.

To myself - please don't give up.

Oh! My aching heart!

2011-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I took my sweet boy on one final date before he started Kindergarten. We were on a hunt for the perfect metal lunch box.

We went to the comic book store. There were no lunch boxes but his eyes went huge looking at all the comic covers lining the shelves. He reverently picked out his very first comic book and I had to pick him up so he could see over the counter to pay.

We didn't find a metal lunch box anywhere but we did find a pair of footy pyjamas in his size. A direct reminder of just how small my kindergarten-bound guy really is. I couldn't resist the opportunity to have one last footy pyjamaed baby snuggle.

'Final date' sounds a bit dramatic doesn't it? Maybe even pathetic. But he's my guy. He's the one I didn't want who turned out out be the one I needed most. Jack's the one who made me love being a Mom. I don't love any of my kids more than the other but I do love them all differently and loving Jack is easy. There is no guilt involved in loving Jack. I don't second guess or wish I had known better. I don't carry the weight of disease or unavoidable neglect.

I held Jack when I wanted to hold him. I pacified him however I wanted to pacify. He slept in my bed when I felt like it and slept in his crib when I didn't. I breastfed and I bottle fed... I just did what was right at the time and looking back I only remember how good he always smelled. How he had and still has the most kissable cheeks.

Jack is his Dads buddy and his sisters baby. His ego is a big as this entire families love for him and I'm counting on it to keep him always believing he is full of awesome when the world of his peers takes a jab at him. Though his humour is beyond his four years he doesn't like to be laughed at. He loves his 'big boy' friends with unwavering loyalty that goes as far as wearing hand me down shoes four sizes to big just because they came off one of his heroes feet. His little voice says the most unexpected and profound things and he has the greatest furrowed old man brow.

He wants to marry me when he grows up. The fact that I am already married to Daddy is of little consequence to him. He likes to hold my face gently between his two little hands and tell me he loves me best of anyone. There are never enough kisses or tight enough hugs for this kid. He recently asked me where I was going and when I asked what he meant he said "Your body keeps getting more disappeared and disappeared" Seriously. Best. Son. Ever.

Having Jack pulled me out of the grief I had been building around myself. He reminded me that I had to be a Mom. Not just a Mom overwhelmed by the medical needs of a sick toddler but a Mom who laughed and played with actual presence. The change Jack brought wasn't just a gift to me....it was an even greater gift to my girls.

Jack doesn't turn five until the end of December. We had planned to keep him home for another year. My heart was set on it. But he's ready to go even if I'm not ready to let him.

Today Jack reached a new milestone. I'm excited for him. I'm excited for the experiences he will have and the funny new things he will say and do. I loved the way his best buddies gathered together in the Kindergarten classroom.

His consoling words this morning "Don't worry Mom I'll always hug you after school"

Oh! How how my heart aches and how I will miss him!

125 years of Creating Super Heroes

2011-09-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

This last week my family was lucky enough to attend the YMCA's camp Elphenstone in beautiful Gibsons BC.

Kayaking, camp songs, war canoes, capture the flag, ninja training, archery, arts and crafts, cabins full of bunk beds and cafeteria food. Sound like a place you went when you were twelve?

Its the same place...except the entire family gets to go - FUN! There is nothing better than being a kid with your kids. While the other kids were catching two inch sea perch Jack pulled a salmon on his first cast. Our normally socially uncomfortable and shy Tlell and made a fast best friend.

The greatest part about this YMCA family camp is that half the families there were families like ours. Families who lived with a child with Type 1 Diabetes. Families who's 'normal' was the same as our normal.

It took a while to work out who belonged to which normal. Not all families had children with Type 1. The pumps, every one enthusiastically and noisily pointed out by Jack, were obvious, but most of the families were new to our world and still using injections. The kids were, appearance wise, healthy kids like every other kid there. But I could sense from the familiar hightened tension in the parents who's kids healthy appearance was masking familiar chronic disease.

I attended this same camp four years ago. Mikayla had just turned four. Tlell was two years old and I carried Jack, a baby, on my back the entire weekend. I was overwhelmed by the situation life had thrown me, had not slept more than a few broken hours a night since Mikayla's diagnosis. In fear of lows I ran her numbers high. She had constant headaches and upset stomach. So did I. I craved the support of other families who understood the state of dread I often woke up to. Two and a half years after diagnosis I was at a breaking point with the harsh reality that this was not going to end. The realization that I was IT....I was Mikayla's life line in a very literal sense and I was drowning in my attempt to do the jobs my three kids depended on me for.

There is a little building on site at camp Elephenstone called the Med Hut.

Families are asked to bring their kids to the med hut for blood sugar checks. It seems a bit time consuming in the packed schedule the camp keeps. (Trust me when I say packed...my body feels ten times its age this week). Its not like we aren't all managing our kids blood sugars every day at home without medical supervision. But something magic happens there. We all gather together, brothers and sisters as well, milling around pulling out meters, cursing a high, treating lows or drawing up insulin injections. Inside the Med Hut our kids are all the same and none of us are alone.

It was inside the Med Hut, four years ago, a kind and gentle nurse, Rebecca, taught Mikayla to check her own blood sugar. It was the first time some control was given back to her.

It was the first time I witnessed other children crying and fighting insulin needles and site changes and witnessed my own helpless face mirrored on someone else's. It was also where I witnessed families who were calm and relaxed despite the roller coaster of blood sugar numbers and their side effects.

I knew I needed to find a way to be that confident family. I knew I was teaching Mikayla fear and failing to give Tlell and Jack enough of myself.

I want Mikayla to live her best life. I don't want to her live it despite Diabetes. I want her, like Tlell and Jack, to just live it.

How Mikayla lives with Diabetes as an teen and adult is going to largely influenced by how I live with her Diabetes while she is small. Do the jobs - Check your blood sugars ALL THE TIME. Measure your food. Give insulin. Sleep - through the night. Accept that preventing Dead in bed Syrdome is out of my control. Know that an overnight low will wake her up and I will hear her. Act with awareness not fear.

Anyone who knows me, or anyone who reads my blog for that matter, knows I am afraid all the time. But I knew, leaving camp four years ago, that there is a difference between being afraid and acting out of fear.

When we attended camp this year I learned that I have achieved the calm and relaxed space inside unstable blood sugars. I saw it in the surprised look of the exhausted, sleep deprived parents around me when asked how often I get up the night to check blood sugars and responded that I don't. I felt it in my voice when I spoke with other families. I heard it in the thanks given by the Pediatrician after a difficult conversation with another parent.

And the absolute greatest thing I learned? Mikayla is growing and thriving in her ability to manage her disease. She can choose to act without fear even when she is afraid.

Every three days Mikayla needs to change her insulin pump site. The needle on the site is an inch long and needs to be threaded under the skin. It is a process of tears. It isn't something my family or friends are able to do for us. In fact it is something she rarely even lets Ivan do.

Mikayla turned eight this summer. I think about what I was doing when I was eight. The biggest deal in my summer at eight years old was hoping I would get to ride in the back of the cab on the way home from Shuswap Lake.

Mikayla wasn't worried about what spot she got in the truck, she was determined to put in her own pump site. With me wiping the determined tears from her face and assuring her she didn't need to do this and the same gentle Nurse Rebecca guiding her, Mikayla, after tearfully changing her mind five times, put in her own pump site.

At eight years old my daughter is on the path to managing her own disease. A disease that even many adults fail to cope with.

Thank-you Nurse Rebecca and camp Elphenstone. You made all five of us feel understood by surrounding us with brothers, sisters, parents and kids who's healthy appearance disguises families living with chronic disease.

This summer was the camps '125th Year of Creating Super Heroes'. Mikayla is certainly proof that camp Elphenstone does exactly that.

Amanda

2011-08-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

There are some friends who stay close. Friends who you love even when you have moved and see each other only a few times a year. Friends who's kids you love because they are tied to you through real and long lasting friendship. It helps that this friends kids are particularly awsome.

This beautiful friend has been with us through thick and thin. Unwavering in her support and kindness. The best part of her friendship? Its not given at random.

Beautiful and forthright. Loyal and and a little bit wild.

Maple Syrup

2011-08-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

When was the first hint of something going wrong? What was there that I missed? How could I have missed it? Why was I so stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Pleasant isn't it?

Not really. And its distracting.

A few weeks ago I made a conscious effort to wrap up the past and put it away in a nice mental cubby where it doesn't occupy a space just under the surface of my everyday thoughts. It turns out that putting it away made it a bit clearer.

In the weeks before Mikayla was diagnosed, Tlell had been very sick with Norwalk virus. In and out of the small hospital, I commented to the Pediatrician one morning that Tlell, then three months old, smelled like maple syrup.

"Maple syrup," she quickly and alarmingly said" why would you say maple syrup?"

"Uh, because thats what she smelled like. Sweet. Like pancakes...it was nice."

It turns out having a baby that smells like maple syrup is not sweet or nice unless you have dumped a bottle on them which would be nothing but sticky and gross.

The Pediatrician introduced me to a disease called Maple Syrup Urine Disease. Sounds funny? Its not. The test for this disease is an organic one that takes weeks to run. The Pediatrician explained that it was very likely Tlell's test would come back positive. It was rare for a child to have the symptoms and not have the disease.

Five weeks of hellish waiting. Smelling that same sweet smell everywhere. And then one very awsome negative test result. I can't explain the intensity of my relief. I thought this was my 'test'. This was the universe teaching me to be grateful. I would never forget how scared I had been. I would be thankful and as perfect a mother as it was possible to be.

One week later Mikayla ended up in the emergency room and we were told to hold her and say good-bye.

For the longest time I couldn't wrap my head around the universe playing such an ugly joke. It saved one child just to try and take the other? Filling our house with such fear and stress that in my fret over one daughter I failed to recognize the other child struggling?

The universe is an ass.

But last week I woke up in the middle of the night with sudden realization and clarity.

It was never Telly.

The sweet sugary smell was always Mikayla.

Two babies in diapers. One diaper pail. One house. One baby with sugar in her urine. Just not the one we thought.

Does it change anything? Not really. It wouldn't have changed the final diagnosis. Diabetes is unstoppable.

But it does mean that I am not the only one who failed to see the symptoms before it was nearly too late. And that does mean a little. I have been beating myself up for seven years because I didn't see it coming. My failure to recognize the symptoms nearly cost Mikayla her life. It has cost me significant trauma.

Realizing that someone smarter, someone trained to recognize the symptoms, a Peditrician, also failed to put the pieces together, makes it just the tiniest bit easier to begin forgiving myself.

Maybe the universe isn't such an ass after all.

Three Year Old Challenge

2011-08-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

Meet Brooklyn.

This is Brooklyn's sister's photo shoot. Her sweet, easy, baby sister.

This photographer took some lovely sweet images of little Leyla. But the lively 'I will only do as I choose' Miss Brooklyn stole my attention away. I love babies. But I really LOVE a wild toddler even more. There are many a photographer who dread the uncontrolled willfulness of the two to five year old model. I am not one of those photographers.

I love the challenge of a three year old. I love the imperfectness of those shots. The movement and the disarray. The very 'them' of the images.

The quiet images, the loud images, the shy ones shot from behind a mothers legs. There is no faking the personality of a toddler. And that's what I love about them.

Moms with Camera's

2011-08-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

I am lucky enough to teach a photography class to a group of Moms.

The class is a year long, designed to teach the technical aspects of photography, but even more importantly the year is designed to take the 'Moms' on a journey of self discovery and teach the women to photograph their emotions. It's no small task. Most of us would have a hard time writing about the assigned topics let alone telling the story in a single image.

I was unsure how the assignments would be received once we started. The 'Moms' had no idea what they had sighned up for. But these women have blown my mind! We started slowly and carefully created a safe place for the 'Moms' to share. The work they have produced is inspiring. It reaches beyond the story of the photographer and allows others to find their own story within the image. That's art!

Six months into the class the lives of the women are evolving and changing, as the lives of Mothers always do, and I think we are all better for sharing our stories and finding another circle of support and friendship. You can never have enough strong women in your corner.

I am sharing an image by one of my students, Jenn Mallais. The assignment was 'How Motherhood Changed Me'. The image was intended to portray her need for calmness, patience and peace in the chaos and stress Motherhood, and now illness, has brought her. She says the need is greater now than it ever was before.

The best part of this image, for me, was that Jenns's Dad got up at five am and met her to take the photograph. She says he's always up at that time but, regardless, thats love. And being a Daddy's girl to the core, I am sucker for dads and daughters.

We all have a need for what the image portrays but there are some Moms that I wish I could grant this to with a simple wave of a my daughters magic wand. These Moms, like me, know better than anyone that life is never that simple. But please know I am waving a pink ribboned wooden stick, in the form of this image, your way.

Thank-you 'Moms' for reaching deep. I adore every one of you.

Ten Years

2011-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have one foot in the water, seated sideways in a chair with an inspiring book. My kids are half naked, screeching and running back and forth in the sand. Out here, the screeching makes me smile. My forehead isn’t pulled into a frown.

We’ve been walking the property with flagging tape all morning. Planning campsites and roadways. Imagining the possibilities of future summers here.

It is our 10th wedding anniversary and fourteenth year together planning and building our life.

10 years ago we didn’t know that infertility followed by that child, we were told we might never have, being diagnosed with chronic disease, would play such a large part in shaping our marriage. But we also didn’t know that our marriage would thrive, when the stress of parenting a child with chronic disease so often pulls a marriage apart. We built a partnership around the disease that has reflected in all of our decisions. Its one of the many things I am strangely grateful to Diabetes for.

Together we have the greatest friends. We have a network of people across the province that we love. Poker nights, camping trips, dinners and traveling...our life is full of people that we trust and count on. People who lend a hand or sit in hospital rooms but also laugh loud and often.

We have the unfailing support of family. My parents have changed their lives to support ours during the last seven years of Mikayla’s illness. I love them and even more significantly, respect them.

We have spent the first ten years allowing the shape our lives to be largely molded by the demands of chronic disease. We don’t for one minute, regret this.

We live a great life. But we also recognize that it doesn’t look quite how we would have shaped it had we not made such careful decisions based on the perceived expectations disease and, inevitabley, our own childhoods put on us.

So we are giving ourselves a new freedom to make decisions that will let us live our life the way we want it. To give things up to get something different. The changes might be small or large. We might not make any changes at all. But we are giving ourselves permission to make them if we chose. I suspect it will take some time to get brave enough to believe we can make changes to our carefully designed, safe life.

The best part of the weekend? Listening to the thunk of baseball gloves as my daughter practices pitching, watching Ivan come down the hillside, sweaty and exhausted, with his compass in hand, but a smile on his face while he searches for the property pins. Watching Tlell swim a real distance for the first time and seeing her face as she suddenly becomes confident that she can follow her sister in the water. And picking my son up at the end of the day, smelling the sun and sand and realizing there is still a tiny mix of baby smell in that soft skin.

How photographers children tell ghost stories

Isn't she beautiful?

2011-06-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

Isn't she beautiful?

Hailey came by the expo on Sunday where I was doing a charity photo shoot for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. I was dressed in, of all things, a wedding dress, promoting another fundraiser Life Unfolding is hosting, along with some amazing sponsors, called Brides Gone Wild for a Cure.

Like every little girl Hailey was very taken by the wedding dress. I put the veil in her blond hair and her eyes lit right up. Hailey has been to the house and played with the tu-tu's. She has spent many a Friday morning playing with Jack while her Mom and I drank coffee. She is fun. She is sweet and she is as silly as any other six year old girl I know.

Looking at Hailey you wouldn't know that she makes frequent visits to the pediatrician and BC Childrens' Hospital. You would never guess that her Mom regularly checks her for cafe au lait spots and small growths. Growths that could turn into tumours that could potentially cover Hailey's body.

Hailey has Neurofibromatosis. NF is a condition that causes tumours to grow on nerve tissue causing skin and bone abnormalities. Many children living with NF will be mostly unaffected by the disease while others may be severely disabled. While tumours can often be removed and complications treated there is no cure for NF.

Hailey has, so far, been one of the lucky kids. I know her Mom lives with an anxiety that only she can understand...even those of us who have kids who live with life changing illness can't understand the trepidation of a disease whose devastating effects could surface at any time.

I have faith that Hailey will continue to be one of the lucky ones. How could her beautiful spirit not be lucky?

Oh baby!

2011-05-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

You are amazing.

You breathed and groaned and moaned. Oh how you groaned!

Bravery splashed around in that tiny indoor pool and you smiled at her. You groaned and grimaced your face and smiled all one after another.

Dad said he wished he could trade you places and you told him that was nice but you wouldn't offer the same if he were sitting in that tub.

You had pre-measured the ingredients for your groaning cake. You were having a home birth and you wanted the whole experience. Bravery ate more batter than she mixed while you breathed and laboured in the next room. I don't think, by the time it was done, you cared about cake anymore.

You laboured and smiled and laughed and groaned.

You said you didn't know what to do. How to sit, how to squat, how to be comfortable.

Your pain was intense. Intense to everyone but Bravery, who seemed, in her toddler wisdom, to know this was all just part of baby's arrival.

You breathed and screamed, laboured and pushed. The midwife coaxed in the gentlest voice. You listened and controlled your body when I thought you must be gone past the point of hearing.

You got yourself up and moved when you must have wanted nothing more than to just quit. You breathed and laboured and pushed. And pushed.

Dads eyes went wide. Dahlia's head was born. Her eyes were tightly closed, here, but not completely.

And you waited.

Inside all that pain, inside all that intensity, you had the wherewithal to protect your perineum, to protect yourself.

You let your body dictate the time. You achieved what so few of us allow ourselves to do, what so few of us remember how to do...listen to our bodies.

With the next contraction, in a summersault into the midwifes hands, your daughter was born.

Onto your chest went baby, Dad immediately in tight at your side, calling for Bravery who was outside playing unconcerned about the commotion.

And you held her and smiled through all of that intensity and just let her be there. Her cord pulsed and you let her be, adjusting slowly to this new light and new noise and new sensation, all the while still attached, still part of you.

23 minutes you waited and held your daughter, who was born but still part of you. 23 minutes until the cord stopped pulsing on its own and only then did Dad cut the cord that joined you.

Outside the windows your family played. The neighbour's sat on the deck listening and sharing Dahlia's arrival.

She is amazing. You are amazing.

Sometimes I meet a smile that squeezes my heart...

2011-05-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I go to work I meet a smile that squeezes my heart. This smile belongs to Sam. I went to Sam's house to photograph his new baby sister, but, Sam was irresistible. Make no mistake that new baby love in the house was very sweet but this guy, playing cars with his Dad, stole my heart.

A good sport even when she unexpectedly flashes oncoming traffic!

2011-05-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

I love prom dresses. I love photographing prom dresses even more. I love photographing the energy in a teenage girl on the precipice of adulthood even more than the dresses.

Meet Stephanie. Steph drove down from Williams Lake and I was anxious most of the morning wondering if the weather was going to make it a wasted trip. But the rain held off and we had a great afternoon! She was such a good sport, even when the wind caused her to unexpectedly flash an oncoming car. Of course the camera caught it which makes it even better!

Stephanie took so many great images that I had a hard time choosing which to share. There's a lot here but its not even close to all of them!

Mom, Sylvie cried, as her baby girl walked away.

This shot was for Dad.

This one was for the boyfriend.

Thanks for travelling down to spend the afternoon with me Steph!

Warmest congratulations on your graduation.

Helping Hearts - Beautiful little ladies full of energy

2011-05-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I recently had the opportunity, along with Nat from Studio Five-O, to photograph a group of girls for Helping Hearts.

These beautiful little ladies are full of energy. They are smart and fun. Some down right funny.

All five of these kids live with Type 1 Diabetes. You can't tell from looking at the images that these kids live with a life threatening disease. They aren't sad. They are smiling and laughing and running. They are, simply put, an awsome inspiration to not give up.

Life with Type 1 Diabetes is hard. Harder than most people will ever understand but these kids aren't giving up. All five of these kids are active in advocating for themselves and working towards a cure. Not only are they not quitters these ones are fighters. I can say without hesitation that their families experience an overwhelming wish to take their place in their struggle with their disease. I can also say that these parents could not be prouder of these girls.

I don't think anything will stop Rory, Mikayla, Izzy, and the two beautiful Grace's. Go get the world girls. Its a lucky place to have the five of you in it.

Big Ugly Cry? Forget it! There's a cure to be found!

2011-05-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to my first yoga class taught by my beautiful friend Tania McCartney.

I laid, of course, on the floor.

While I was down there Tania said that when you when you feel like you can't support yourself anymore remember that the ground can take all of your weight. It can hold all of your stress and all of your tension. So I laid there and tried to let myself sink right into the ground. And I knew right away why I have been longing to lay down with Izzy since that Gray's episode three years ago.

I'm not sure what I was supposed to be thinking about while I did this. Probably nothing. But always the bad student I was thinking about how there had to be something positive I could take from this last month. I reminded myself that I control my reactions. The Diabetes only controls our life if I let it. If I thought about it hard enough I knew there had to be a way to convert this negative energy into something positive.

I laid awake all night....stewing and thinking about an article my girlfriend Kendra read in the paper about a women who created a night on the town in Niagra Falls with women in their wedding dresses and raised $20,000.00 doing it.

By 10 am this morning I had secured a team of women to bring Kamloops its first annual "Brides Gone Wild"!

There are 25 spots available. The cost is $50.00 to participate. Every participant must wear a wedding dress and collect pledges for Mikayla's Hope. We will be putting together a Kamloops night on the town. We have some great ideas including dinner at the Hot House Bistro and photography by the talented and amazing Kathryn Leary of Owen Imaging. We are planning some golf, rock climbing and, of course, dressed up that good, some clubbing.

We are collecting donations for a prize basket to be won by the "bride" who collects the most pledges!

If you have some great ideas for our brides wild night out or have a donation for our pledge incentive package I would love to hear from you.

Check back here next week for a finalized event and prize package.

I'm going to start laying on the floor every Thursday.

PS - Take THAT Diabetes!

If I lay here, if I just lay here.....would you lie with me?

2011-05-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

Open on the scene of Izzy on the bathroom floor.

I want to lay down with her.

I tried to write a post last week. I titled it The Big Ugly Cry. I wrote about the past four weeks. Weeks that lead up to a well deserved Big Ugly Cry. But I don't have a Big Ugly Cry in me.

The problem with that unpublished post is that for anyone parenting a healthy kid to understand the past four weeks I had to explain how Diabetes works. The why and the how of it, which doesn't explain the first thing about the impact of the past four weeks. Or, for that matter, the past six years.

Four weeks ago my daughter had 20 low blood sugars in five days. Then she went into DKA and landed in the hospital for two days. Forget the hows and whys of it. What it means is that my child was close to death 22 times in one week.

The rest of the month hasn't proven much better. Pediatricians have thrown up their hands....labeled her a Brittle Diabetic. Thanks for the useless lable. As if we weren't already tired enough.

Sounds a little like I might actually be fantasizing about being on Gray's Anatomy doesn't it? It feels a little like I might be coming unglued.

But, unfortunately, it is the truth. And it sounds dramatic because, well, life with a sick kid is dramatic.

You would imagine a Big Ugly Cry would finish the scene perfectly. Fit it all into a one hour prime time drama and cue the exit.

But the Big Ugly Cry left my house a long time ago. I think it went on vacation with a few Big Ugly Cries from some other Moms I know. Houses filled with things like Autism, Cancer and CP.

It left our houses because exhaustion, frustration and coping left its bags unceremoniously on the front step . What rooms are left are reserved for smiles, laughter and love for our kids. The VIP parking space at our houses are reserved for girlfriends who fold the laundry we've hidden beside the bed, and the ones who add Baily's to our coffee on a Thursday night and bake our sometimes neglected husband's cookies.

In the light of recently asking my Moms with Camera's students to dig deeper with their upcoming assignments I have to be more truthful than that. Big Ugly Cry requires a lot of effort. Most of us are too tired for it and if we let it out we aren't sure we could remember to find the off switch. And since our lives aren't an episode of Gray's Anatomy it seems easier to leave it alone.

I realize Izzy laying on the floor overcome with pain was not supposed to make the viewer wish they could also lay down on the cold floor with her.

I know that, at my house, Meredith Gray won't be coming to hold my hand. Small kids will pound at the door. I will probably be distracted by the realization that there are dust balls under the furniture and be over come with a need to sweep them up.

But still. I want to lay on the cold floor. For just one day.

So, if I lay here, if I just lay here will you lie with me and just forget the world?

Helping Hearts

2011-03-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

If you know anything about me, you will know how passionate I am about making a difference to other families who struggle. It is not because I am generous by nature. It is not because I have always been conscious of doing good in the world.

I am a normal imperfect Mom living in circumstances that have forced me to rise up to challenges and see my world differently than I did before. I am not the so called super-mom that I have been naively labled. I believe that every Mom has fight and stamina inside her when put in extraordinary circumstances. I am just lucky enough to have been given the opportunity to discover it.

Our friends and family have shown us compassion and care beyond anything we ever imagined. I tell them often but still the words will never be enough thanks for the continuos gift of support they give us. We have met complete strangers who been touched by Mikayla and who's words and generosity of time and energy have been inspiring. Some people who are certainly not strangers anymore and others who I never met but who's words of encouragement have inspired us to advocate harder. Other Moms, living in other extraordinary circumstances have reached out to both seek and offer support and has been such a gift to both receive and give such understanding.

The only way I know to pay all this generosity back is to pay it forward. I know this is what my family and friends, the strangers and other Mothers appreciate even more than my words of thanks. One of the greatest gifts of photography is the opportunity it allows for me to do exactly that. And the greatest part of paying it forward? Every time I do I get something unexpected back and the circle continues to grow and reciprocate.

I am very proud of Photography for a Cure and Trash the Dress. And I am very proud to be a part of Helping Hearts. Not only is the work this organization does meant to inspire the families they work with but the photographers I met through my participation with the organization are inspiring women themselves. I am looking at you Nat and Lana!

Helping Hearts

She would probably like Green eggs and ham if you let her make them herself.

2011-03-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

This is Sam.

Sam would probably like Green and and Ham if you let her make them herself. That would include letting her reach the pan from the top cupboard. The one that she couldn't possibly reach no matter how hard she tries. Much negotiation would have to occur before she finally let you peel her off her the stacks of the things she might be precariously perched upon in her attempt.

Sam is loud. Sam makes a mess. Of epic proportions. Do not, I repeat, do not try to enter her room unless her Mom has excavated you a path.

Sam is smart. Smarter, certainly, than me. Sam gives gives impromptu declarations of love.

She gives arm kisses. Ones that move from your hand to elbow in two seconds or less. Sam is perfectly capable of sitting still when she wants to. If your willing to read to her she will very quickly want to.

And while you are reading that book Sam will settle against your arm. She will be content just to have you to herself. When the book is done she will tell you about all the things she did that day. All of the things that exhausted the observer to Sam were adventurous experiences full of learning and exploring. She climbed Mount Everest. Kissed a frog that turned into a prince. And delivered, caught and photographed a baby being born into the world. All at one time. Because this kid can do it all.

Anyone who knows me has heard my encouragement of Jacks declarations that he will live with me forever. If he was your sweet son you would encourage it to.

Unless he wants to marry Sam. She already leads him around by his shirt firmly clenched in her teeth. She follows the hands off rule very clearly, and it is exactly this spirit mixed with her genuine sweet declarations of love that make her one of my very favorite people. Not just a favorite kid. But a favorite person.

Happy Birthday Sammers.

We love you!

They will become the best kind of women

2011-03-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

I photographed Paige last week. (She's the bed jumper) I adore Paige. I adore her for herself. She's funny, happy, beautiful and full of spunk.

But I also feel a pull to Paige because she is the sister. She is my Tlell. Mikayla's sister, who was a baby at a time when we struggled with grief and disbelief.

Every parent who has experienced a life changing diagnosis understands the grieving process that follows. Most of us are not doctors or therapists but we are thrust into those roles and expected to learn them quickly even while our heads are spinning and our hearts are bursting.

We struggle. We are exhausted. Many of us become almost consumed with getting our new roles exactly right. An unfair burden of perfection that we place on ourselves and can't possibly hope to live up to. We are, after all, parents. We are not speech or behavior therapists. We are not endocrinologists or pediatricians. We are photographers, estheticians and autobody mechanics.

At the centre of all this is the child who has been diagnosed. The child we can't take our eyes off of. The child who we are thinking about at 2 am as we lie awake worrying. The child we are thinking about as we pour cereal and plan our day. The child we are fussing about as we worry about the impact of play dates and swimming lessons and ski trips.

And quietly off to the side, while we digest and work through the process of accepting this new life, are our other children. Not forgotten exactly, not ignored, exactly, but not at the forefront of our thoughts either. They are shuffled around to friends and family. They are read to with distraction. They are tucked into bed with a kiss good-night and then rarely thought about again until morning. The moments of their lives can go by in a forgotten blur. That part, for me, hurts more than all the others.

It isn't that we love them less. I don't imagine it would be possible to love them more. It isn't that we care any less. It is simply that are heads are full to overflowing and we are balancing more weight than we can hold.

They don't stay quiet for long. The tough ones learn to get noisy. VERY noisy. Their opinions are heard loud and clear. They slowly steer us full circle and reminded us that our regularly scheduled lives are waiting to be lived. And when we reach the other side of grief they are there with little arms open wide loving us as if we were never gone.

Paige and Tlell share humour, vitality and spunk. They also share a quiet empathy that is rare in kids so small. They fight and squabble and pinch but in a moment of emergency they have a rare patience for their siblings and a fierce protective love. I will never forget the first time I watched Tlell on the floor beside her slumped sister as she quietly supported her through a low blood sugar. She was only two years old.

They make our lives normal, which is the greatest gift in lives we often feared would never be normal again. They make their Mothers crazy, but, how could we not be proud of that demand they have cultivated; their ability to be heard and acknowledged.

They are not unscarred, nobody in the family is, and there is no way of changing it nor was there any way of preventing it. They will continue to grow and flourish in houses where life will never be perfect.

They will become the best kind of women. The really beautiful kind. The kind that are full of understanding, patience and empathy with a good coating of tough and an ability to make themselves heard.

Much love to you Paige and Tlell.

The toe is in a perfect ballet point

2011-03-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Little Miss E came to the studio a few days ago. She is always fun to work with. A little bit of sweet, lots of silly and a beautiful, beautiful smile.

'O' is for Ocotopus and it has eight legs

2011-03-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce you to a sweet little friend of mine

Ryder is four years old. He loves cars. He loves trains. He builds great hills with his tracks, ones that roll up and down. He loves blocks and letters. He can tell you that 'O' is for Octopus and that an Octopus has eight legs. He also loves M and M's.

Ryder has a lively little sister. A Dad who loves football and a Mom with a huge heart. I don't know if she's aware of it but her eyes beam with pride when she talks about him.

Ryder process's and responds to information differently than most people. He has taught me an important lesson. Ryder made me stop and consider how I behave when I communicate with others. I realized, spending time with Ryder how often I talk AT people instead of communicating WITH people.

I have photographed Ryder twice before. The first time, the images were beautiful but I wasn't able to connect with Ryder. The second time I slowed down and let Ryder lead. The third time I met Ryder where he was comfortable communicating and what a gift that was! All it took was patience and understanding.

He smiled his big smile. He pointed those beautiful eyes at the camera. He talked and laughed and it was awsome!

Help us support Ryder by participating in or helping us spread the word about Trash the Dress. All profits from the event will be donated to the Kamloops Autism Program and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

Visit www.lifeunfolding.ca to learn more.

A pathway back

2011-03-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

When you live, as we do in our house, with a child who can't remember her life without disease you can move from jumping on beds without, for a small moment any cares, to huddled in a heap on floor all in the same 24 hours.

I am staring at a photograph of Mikayla holding her newborn brother for the first time. In the frame just under it she is running wildly at the beach. I can't see her face because the image is backlit but I can hear her wild laugh in the way her arms are extended above her head. It is a pathway back to her as she was at different times as she has grown and changed. And it is breaking my heart.

Today I learned that a Mother lost her child. A mother who fundraised and volunteered and worked hard with the belief that her son would be cured. A mother who volunteered to mentor other families in the hope that she could help lead them to the other side of the shock and grief of diagnosis to the acceptance and confidence needed to survive their new life with Diabetes.

There will be no cure for her son. Who could possibly mentor her through this?

This is not the first time this year that death caused by Diabetes has occurred close to home. It is times like these that the hurt verges on panic. I can't breathe. I don't want my children to see the upset and confusion. Because at the root of the confusion is fear.

What if there is no cure for Mikayla either?

I don't normally live in this confusion. I have built a sturdy wall made of acceptance, gratitude, knowledge and confidence that props me up. Volunteerism and charity are a bridge over the current of fear.

My wall is not as sturdy today and I wonder if all the volunteerism and charity are just a distraction to trick me into thinking I have some control over the disease. That there is no cure only hours of hard work.

But I have been here before. I know that tomorrow I will shore my wall up. There is no guarantee of a cure but there IS a guarantee that without hard work there will never be one.

My pathway back to Mikayla before she was sick is long. And the part of the path before disease is short. But I have that part of the path. I can look at the images and remember her before disease. And I can follow the path of photographs from diagnosis to the present and find moments that are pure Mikayla. Those images remind me that every moment of this journey, including todays, are worth giving everything I have in me to give.

I hope this other Mother has a path to her son. How he looked when he was quiet. How he looked when he was three and how his face changed when he laughed.

shhh...don't tell my kids....

2011-03-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

But from now on I think every session should begin with jumping on the bed...

The kid has character.

2011-03-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

Thomas is a great kid. Lots of energy. Lots of heart. Lots of smart. Lots of character.

Did I mention LOTS of character?

He sat still when asked, looked serene when prompted and pulled a great ridiculous face, or five.

No sooner did we finish then he was off running, on that still unraked lawn, at 100 miles hour with Mikayla, who is always in need of a good energy burning.

Spring is in the air

2011-03-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Spring is in the studio.... even better I think its safe to say Spring is in the air! Amongst the chaos of photo shoots and the noise of my own three kids the grass is calling to be raked. The odd t-shirt and shoe has resurfaced from under the layers of winter snow. (Those got picked up, the grass is still waiting) The kids are swinging, jumping on the trampoline and riding bikes. I am anxiously watching for the first signs of tulips and planning some upcoming Mothers Day specials.

While we wait for the real gardens to turn green, yesterday, we had a busy day in Peter's garden. We blew bubbles, picked carrots and brought out a bit of the Irish in the babies and kids!

Thank-you from the garden

2011-03-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

I want to thank-you all for such a great first year by giving away a free Peter Rabbit session. The first two clients to have fifteen people to visit the website leave a comment on the" Thank-you for a great first year" blog post that says you sent them, find the email link on the website, send me a quick 'found you here too' and then 'like' the Life Unfolding page on facebook wins a Peter Rabbit session for themselves AND one for one those friends that left a comment on the blog. (Randomly picked by me)

Meet the ladies of Mighty Oak

2011-03-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am very lucky to be supported by an inspiring group of women. It was not very long ago that Joanna was the only Midwife working in the Kamloops area. Last year she opened her practice, Mighty Oak Midwifery, to Rosalynd and Elaine.

They are a gift to expecting Moms in Kamloops. Midwives dedicate their professional lives to women. Birth is a normal, healthy experience and with the support of these women it is beautiful.

I have had the honour of watching Joanna, Rosalynd and Elaine work. They encourage Mothers as they find their strength and power in the birthing process. It is not only the practice of midwifery that I am so excited to have in Kamloops but these three women themselves. They all have a dedication to empowering women.

I met Joanna while photographing my first birth two years ago. Watching her calmly support Charlize's Dad as caught his daughter was a life changing experience.

I have listened to Rosalynd proudly proclaim the arrival of another baby. She is proud of her hard earned ability to support women through the experience of child birth but is always much prouder of the women themselves.

I am very grateful to find myself lucky enough to be supported by these women. Both in my role as a birth photographer but also as a Mom and a woman. I only hope that I am able to emulate even some of what they give to our community.

In the Garden

2011-03-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

This unspring-like weather is a downer! I want to be raking, turning soil and planting! I love to garden. Preferably in my bare feet. I know, I know...its only March but come on Sunshine!

Jack and I decided not to wait on Mother Nature and built our own garden in the studio. We invited our friend Lily over to test drive the 'lawn'.

Lily and her family moved to Nova Scotia six months ago.

My family is thrilled that they have come home!

We missed you and your beautiful face Lily.

Peter Rabbit sessions are now available all next week. The sessions are $50.00 (another $10.00 for each additional child) and include 8 high resolution unmarked images on CD.

Be careful of the Rabbit. Jack insists it comes to life every time we leave the studio.

Beautiful Baby Aubrey

2011-03-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

One of my best clients just recently turned...one! Why is she one of the best? Because she has been a superstar photography model from her first newborn shoot. I love following babies as they grow. I also fell just a bit in love with this little star. Big eyed, gorgeously chubby and always smiling, even on the mornings she was sick and Mom was sure she wouldn't.

Aubrey's newborn session

Mom, Malonie, is so easy to work with with. She brings a few props and we can read the shoot from there. I like deep colour a bit of drama in my shoots and when Mal went immediately for the leopard print diaper cover I knew we were in for a great photography pairing!

It is important for me to plan photo shoots that are always changing from session to session but, most importantly when so many are in the first year, co-ordinate so that they can be easily hung in co-ordinated groupings on your wall.

Aubrey 4 months

Aubrey 9 months

We chose the black and red polka dots in her nine month session to keep the colour tone we had been using in the previous photos while graduating the images to Christmas images which could be used for more than just a Christmas card within the first year set of images.

For Aubrey's first birthday we kept a cream colour tone and used a tu-tu that shared the dark colours we had used previously but we moved into a lighter mood in preparation for going outside. I can't wait to blow bubbles and watch her toddle around in the grass!

Happy First Birthday Aubrey!

I look forward to continuing to watching Aubrey grow and change. Thank-you Malonie for letting me be a part of Aubrey's first year! You both made our mornings together so much fun!

Clients can purchase sets of sittings in three's for $350.00 instead of the regular fee of $150.00 per sitting. This saves clients who want to document babies first year $100.00. Sittings at Life Unfolding (excluding mini - sessions) include a minimum of 20 high resolution unmarked images on CD.

A bit of fun Trashing Dresses on a Saturday morning

2011-03-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

Oh what a happy Saturday that was!

Some beautiful ladies came out this morning in the freezing cold to trash some dresses.

We are creating the lead up and ad images for the Trash the Dress Fundraiser sponsored by Life Unfolding and Beauty has Endless Possibilities. CFJC-TV has generously donated the air time and creating the ad for us! I am counting us very lucky to be joined by Nat Ansfield of Studio five-o. She is not only talented but a kind and fun photographer that I am lucky to have met through Helping Hearts.

I wanted empty streets so we started this shoot at 7 am in downtown Kamloops. There are endless sites to shoot in Kamloops. It was hard to choose so we parked in a central location and, with coffee's in hand, lugging a battery for the lights, we worked our way out from there in a direction I hadn't shot in before. So many great textures!

Thank-goodness for Hot House Bistro's new breakfast hours! You can always count on Laura for moral support when you are out in the cold. If you haven't eaten there you should! I am a weekly visitor, okay sometimes more but don't tell Ivan, and have never been let down! Laura has decided to sponsor the event. We can't let our winning bidders go hungry and this event is all about pampering!

We eventually crossed over the bridge to the beach and the brave ladies rolled around in the sand and trekked out onto the frozen ice. They even braved a nasty looking slew under the bridge!

A little paint and one abandoned train later we finished up the morning. Not only are the results amazing but the experience was so much fun! I can't wait until the weather changes and we can really get down in the dirt with our dresses!

Thank-you Shannon, Kathy and Leanne for spending your Saturday morning with me. I know you froze but you never complained once and I appreciate it! Keep a look out for these ladies on upcoming Trash the Dress ads on CFJC-TV!

2011-03-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

Thank-you for such a rewarding first year!

You gave me the honour of photographing your babies being born. Never have I had such respect for women's bodies and the been so awe struck by the strength found just when these Moms thought they didn't have anymore.

You let me photograph your pregnant bellies and then your new babies who grew into fat drooling toddlers. I discovered the best part of this job...how easy it is to fall in love with your babies!

I photographed a baby held in a Mothers arm covered in a vining tattoo filled with the names of other babies who had not survived. That was when I knew I would be changed by the experiences of this job.

Your kids let me lay me on the floor and talk and whisper and make inappropriate farting sounds with them over the camera lens. You let us take our time and they became more confident until many of them were directing the shoot themselves.

You gave me the opportunity to spread awareness about disease's that are close to me. You have allowed me to not only tell my own child's story but also the stories of other people who have impacted and made my life better. Together we can and already have affected change in some of these lives.

You came out and supported us as we remembered Ella. You doubled my expectations! Your Valentines were all so much fun and all so unique on that same white backdrop. I have always been a dark studio photographer but I think I may be having a love affair with the simplicity of the white!

Real women allowed me to peel back the layers of experiences that have changed their bodies and damaged their perception of themselves. They allowed themselves to be photographed with those layers pulled back and saw themselves how I see them. They were brave and they are beautiful. The image of a naked Mother holding her three month old daughter above her head in victory as a tug boat slowly moved past was the moment I knew photography was as much about the experience of being photographed as it was about the images themselves.

I photographed brides. I learned from the lovely Kathryn Owen. I chased a Buffalo Bull in a pick-up truck. I used my art to photograph art. I went underground and photographed a place most people will never see.

Life Unfolding is a business. But every business measures success by its own goals. Life Unfolding's goals are simple. Be happy. Give to the community. Afford a vacation. I believe that we only get as much as we give. That success results from pure effort.

My husband recently commented that I was the happiest he has seen me in our fifteen years together. And thanks to you....how could I not be?